Fighting in a D/s Lifestyle Relationship

by Supreme Goddess Lorena

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Being either partner would be equally as hard when You/you both are having a heated "vanilla" argument. Although, I still feel it is almost more difficult for Her because She has to put up with Her once-submissive servant now acting like a typical aggressive and hostile male and that is exactly the kind of man She cannot stand. Some of the more common times he cannot handle being dominated is when he disagrees too strongly about something or when he has had a rough day at work. he then loses his submissive appeal temporarily by behaving inappropriately and in the process he will say several things that he will regret and have to face later.

There are things that both of You/you should keep in mind when a fight occurs. Here are a few:

men:

1. Just as you would in a vanilla relationship, know that whatever you say now, you cannot take it back and so you will have to deal with it later (or quite possibly forever if She is very sensitive and/or has a great memory). So watch your tongue and think before you speak!

2. Even though you may disagree with Her on something, She will win in the end anyways because even if you win the argument you will not have won the battle if She is still miserable and She despises you afterwards.

3. Remember your place. you agreed to be Her slave so live up to your promise. Certainly, She can always beat you later for misbehaving but remember rule #2 above. While She is beating and hurting you She also will feel hurt but it will instead be on the inside. She will resent you for the things you said or did earlier. Beating you does not necessarily make those feelings go away.

4. It is hard to go backwards. If you act rude or hostile during a quarrel it will be hard for Her later to believe in your sincerity of being submissive towards Her. Each time you act vanilla with Her it loses that much more authenticity in your "fetish" time. (For Me it is much different. I am quite the opposite. I do not have fetish or play times or do "sessions". I am always Dominant so I have to, or sometimes choose to, "act" vanilla instead.)

Ladies:

1. If You are a true Dominant You must know that You can often be quite demanding, selfish, scary, cruel, hot-tempered, and mean. But then that is exactly why he loves You! Though there are times when he cannot take it. Such as when he is cranky because he had a terrible day at work, has not had his nap, needs to be fed, is sick, or is just simply feeling a little under the weather. You may feel that he just needs a good hard spanking to smarten him up! It may work. But it also might backfire.

Instead try one of the following:

A. Let him have the night off. he will feel better tomorrow and will have missed being your slave.

B. Snuggle with him on the couch and watch a great flick together. he probably will feel better after some affection.

C. Suggest that he take You out but choose a cozy and quiet restaurant instead of someplace loud or full of action. If there are too many distractions around the two of You/you at this sensitive time then he might only end up being more cranky and You risk having another argument with him.

D. If You do not keep him in Your home-based stable then send him home and suggest that he see you another night when he is in a better mood.

E. Do not add fuel to the fire but trying humiliation on him as a way to bring him around. he might not be able to absorb it at this time if he is already being hostile, argumentative, or aggressive.

F. Try the most desperate measure as a last resort: Cry. I know this does not sound that good to You for a Dominant Woman to show weakness by crying but sometimes that is what it takes for him to realize that he has gone too far and has hurt You. men do not usually realize when they have made an ass out of themselves and it takes You crying for him to know. Strangely enough it works just as good as a slap in the face or throwing cold water on him.

To both of You/you I say:

Treat each other well. (Yes, beating a slave counts as being a form of showing that You care). Neither one of You/you would be complete without the other. Maybe no one else could put up with Her bitchiness and maybe no one else would want such a lowly and stupid male slave. Being together is like being no where else on this earth. What You/you do together is unique and special. Without Her/him there are only vanilla bars, crude internet message boards, personal ads of ProDoms for him, personal ads of selfish slaves and disloyal husbands looking for a session for Her, and "play" fetish parties which are run by male doms and frequented by swingers, switches, masters, demanding "top-from-the-bottom" slaves, and ProDoms looking for their next client. So cherish Your/your relationship and be willing to learn how to maintain it and improve it.

Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 Supreme Goddess Lorena of Goddessclub.com, All Rights Reserved.


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Comments:

Supreme Goddess Lorena's article "Fighting in a D/s Lifestyle Relationship" highlights the difficulties of both Owner and slave in circumstances when either real-life stresses apart from their relationship or heartfelt disagreements over matters concerning their relationship threaten the integrity of the relationship itself.  From the standpoint of the Owner, the threat to the primacy of Her position in the relationship such circumstances can pose is especially distressing, and Her distress may be amplified -- or degenerate into revulsion -- if the slave expresses feelings or exhibits behaviors toward the Woman to whom he has pledged his subjugation and devotion that are tainted by evidence of hostility, rebellion, or disrespect.  As is always the case, both parties to the relationship must be mindful of their respective positions in the relationship:  the slave must not yield to any impulse to behave in ways that undermine the authenticity of either of their positions, and the Owner must not condone such behavior on the part of the slave.  Failing to remain ever cognizant of T/their own position and ever sensitive to the position of T/their counterpart can too easily lead to the relationship's becoming irreparably damaged -- especially the D/s aspect of the relationship.  T/they both must consciously allow their mutual commitment to indefinitely prolonging and deepening the relationship, a relationship which makes both of them feel complete in ways that only lifestyle D/s relationships can, to outweigh any urges T/they may occasionally feel to act in ways that ignore or deny their position in the relationship.
 
When faced with the sort of situation described above, the slave must recognize that it is incumbent on him to exercise self-control because it is his behavior -- and not his Owner's -- that is constrained by the parameters of the D/s relationship.  The slave's behavior must always reflect his unstinting desire to serve and to please -- in both cases selflessly.  his Owner may choose at times to ignore him due to stresses in Her life not precipitated by the slave, to avail Herself of the slave as a target for venting frustrations arising from such stresses, or to require the slave to soothe and console Her by listening attentively and serving affectionately.  The slave clearly cannot impose reciprocal demands on his Owner, no matter how acute his feelings may be at times.  Instead, the slave must endeavor to tactfully and submissively make his Owner aware of his exigent difficulties and plead for Her understanding.  The slave's predicament is that his well of tolerance has been exhausted -- temporarily -- rendering him incapable --- temporarily -- of serving his Owner as obsequiously or submitting to his Owner as utterly as She ordinarily requires, yet he has pledged to Her to do so always.  If the Owner is sensitive to Her slave's difficulties and desires Herself to nurture his relationship with Her, She may well be inclined to respond to Her slave's plea by making some magnanimous gesture -- such as permitting him to spend a quiet evening with Her or releasing the slave for the evening to give him some time to sort things out on his own.  If a slave is fortunate enough to have an Owner capable of such sensitivity and understanding, it is of course imperative that he demonstrate his gratitude to Her for such gestures at an appropriate time.
 
trainee slave tom s. #2


Dear Supreme Goddess Lorena,

In regards to the Female/male relationship, it seems that there is little difference between vanilla and a D/s. i say that because in each case a different method may be used but the response is usually the same. There is one exception, that being that in a D/s relationship the male must remember his place and return to it. In the vanilla relationship the male does not have a clue and many time it leads to trouble.

You were right in that at times the Goddess must give the slave room in certain situations. Especially if he has been in the vanilla world and is now coming back to Her. The change is not always an easy one and he can not just switch it on and off like a light switch. Giving him time to become accustomed to where he is again would go far in developing a better relationship.

This of course holds true only if it is an actual problem, not one used by the slave to make it easier for himself. Doing this by the Goddess for Her slave would draw him closer and make him even more responsive in the future.

i believe that there are two kinds slaves, one that receives the whip and no understanding and the one that receives the understanding. For example the one with no understanding will be a slave but not as good as the other. The reason, he does not serve with the desire, loyalty, passion and willingness to perform as does the one that received the understanding.

Having a Goddess that will mold Her slave the way She wants and to provide the best performance for Her, She must work at it. A good example is Your slaves, Goddess. They are so willing to perform for You and show such desire to do so. They show pride in doing a good job for You. They just didn't get that way, someone had to show them how. Using the right method and pushing the right buttons at the right time goes far in creating a good slave. i must say that a Goddess could do well following Your example. As for training slaves, You are the best bar none.

Having said this about the Goddess's responsibility, this does not leave the slave off the hook. It should go without saying that She will have bad days and the like and it is now the slave who must come through. If he is indeed a good slave, he will have taken notice to what his Goddess likes and dislikes. Does She like a hot bath, a good foot rub, or something else? he now must
perform after all that is why he is there.

So there is a responsibility on both parties to make this a better and growing relationship, one that will become stronger and even more enjoyable.

Through all this the slave however must remember and come back to his place, that being beneath his Goddess. If the Goddess makes the right decisions, She will have a much better and responsive slave. The difference, one slave that goes through the
motions and the other very responsive and willing to please.

You obviously have it right, Goddess. Just by reading the slaves comments on Your site says it all. i remember one of the slaves commenting that when he was to serve You and Your friends for the first time that he was concerned about doing well and not embarrassing You. He didn't seem to be afraid of Your anger and what that might lead to as much as he really wanted to do well to please You. He seemed to have the passion, desire, willingness to do what he needed to do to please his Goddess. Can't get a much better tribute than that.

Yours, trainee slave jim b.


Dear Goddess Lorena,

i have read the article "Fighting in a D/s Lifestyle Relationship". Most of the points made in this article apply to fighting in any style relationship. In the heat of an argument many times a man's mouth gets ahead of his brain and let's his emotions take over without thinking. It can result in him saying some very harsh and hurtful things to his Goddess. Things he doesn't really mean but he doesn't think and won't realize what he said until it is to late. Like You recommend in the article, sometimes it may be for the best if he be excused from the presence of his Goddess for a little while. This will allow his brain to catch up and he will also realize how much he enjoys being with Her.

In a D/s relationship it is for the best that a slave never argue with his Goddess. If he feels She is wrong he should gently try to tell Her his point of view. As in all arguments, in the end he will come back and beg Her for forgiveness regardless of who was right. he might as well save both he and his Goddess the trouble and not take the risk of hurting Her with his words by accepting Her judgment and abiding by it. In the end it seems that no matter who was right or won the argument, nobody ever feels good after a fight. he is better off just agreeing or accepting Her view and moving on. That will make his Goddess happy and in turn he should be happy. he shouldn't risk losing Her over some small disagreement that will be forgotten in a few days.

i hope this essay pleases You and i thank You for continuing my training. i certainly have learned a lot over the last week.

trainee slave adam r.


What i have learned reading this article:

Emotions are a difficult thing to deal with, especially once a fighting has started. During a fight the subtle balance between the rational and emotional part of the mind can easy be disturbed.

Using the sluice-concept in an weak emotional mood can give a lot of space and satisfaction in the moment it is done, but it doesn’t last longer then only a few minutes, if it does, and it costs al lot to repair the damage, if it is repairable. So a slave should think before he speaks. That gives sense, even in a vanilla relation.

In a D/s lifestyle relationship there is always the claim on the slave that he has to remember his place. he promised to be Her slave, so he has to live his word! And his word is that he will do everything to serve and to please Her. Not only in the moments that suits him, but always and everywhere. Fighting with Her is not a part of such a deal. So he has always to remember his submissive place as Her slave.

A fight can ruin a relation. Suppose he is stronger in the fight than She, either with words or in a physical way. It seems in that situation that he has won the battle. But that is not true. Because of Her dominant nature She will have bad feelings about the outcome of the fight and it will be unacceptable for Her. It is possible that She despises him for his lack of control, She can lose Her faith in his sincerity of being submissive to Her later, but She can also lose Her believe in him forever. She can work off Her bad feelings by a severe punishment, but it is not sure that the bad feelings will disappear.

So the point is: a slave always has to remember his place, has to control his emotions, and must know what he can express. A fight causes a lose-lose-situation.

(In my opinion it’s not appropriate for a slave to give recommends for the Superior part of a D/s lifestyle Relationship)

Dearest Goddess and Trainer, i thank You with whole my heart for this wise lesson You gave me. i acknowledge Your Wisdom, Power and Glory.

trainee slave leo

When in a D/s lifestyle relationship, you have to remember that you agreed to be a slave. In some situations it may become difficult and you may temporarily forget your submissiveness, but be careful what you say to your Owner because what you tell Her you cannot take back. Besides, even in an argument, you cannot win if She despises you afterward. It is best just to give in, tell Her She is right, and apologize (bowing down and kissing Her feet can be handy in these situations). Your place is to serve Her and no matter how much She punishes you, it is hard for the feelings to go away. This can cause Her to doubt the sincerity of your servitude.

The best thing to do is always try your best to submit to Her. If you are in a bad mood or having a bad day, communicate with Her. Maybe She will grant you a little free time for yourself. If She is still in need of your service, bite your tongue and continue to serve Her until She is able to grant you your free time. Both Domme and slave should always remember their roles. As a slave, you should always remember to give in to an argument because what you have together is very special. If you can do this, you will produce true happiness for both you and your Owner.

trainee slave jason


It is an unfortunate fact of life that there will be disagreements in a D/s lifestyle relationship. However, it is important that both parties involved in the relationship remember Who/who they are and what behaviour is permissible when such an incident occur. Each role has a clear set of behaviours which should enhance the relationship rather than contribute to its deterioration.

For instance, the slave should always remember that it is better to give into an argument rather then try to win it. By giving in, he demonstrates that the most important being in his life is the Owner. Regardless of right or wrong, in the end She will win anyway. By giving into the argument, the slave removes the temptation to lash out at his Owner. When angry thoughts become insults, it is almost impossible to repair the ensuing damages. The lasting effects of such intolerable behaviour may cause Her to doubt his sincerity forever. The slave should also remember that Her wounded heart will take much longer to heal than the wounds inflicted by Her discipline to his body. Finally, fear of discipline should not be the main reason why a slave should watch what he says in a heated argument with his Owner. The sincere desire to please his Mistress should in itself be enough to cause him to hold his tongue even in difficult situations.

Seemingly, during a heated argument, a true Dom's behaviour should reflect Her title the same way a slave's behaviour should reflect his position. Although the Dom has every right to be mean or demanding toward Her slave, choosing such a course of action during a fight may not be the wisest choice. Instead, She may choose to postpone Her decision to impose corporal discipline on Her slave to a later time. This choice does not diminish Her control over the slave. On the contrary, by choosing to postpone discipline, She demonstrates Her wisdom and Her ability to control and direct difficult situations. Women' understanding of emotions is much greater than men's understanding. Therefore, crying may be a better option than discipline in certain situations. This may appeal to the slave's common sense and have a calming effect. Once an argument is under control the Dom can reinforce Her position as Owner and Mistress by inflicting severe punishment which will remind the slave of his position. Once the slave understand his mistake he is more likely to accept his fate and punishment.

It is true that both Dom and slave alike need each other to justify their existence. A Dom needs to be served and worshiped and a slave needs to serve and worship. However, life's circumstances may sometime put a strain on a D/s relationship. Therefore, it is very important that, in difficult situations, a slave remember his position and act accordingly. Misbehaviour is unacceptable in any circumstances. Above all, a slave should never say anything which might wound his Owner's heart. In the end, if a slave acknowledges that his Owner has every right to behave as She pleases, the relationship should thrive and both the Dom and slave will experience what no one else can, true happiness.

trainee slave daniel t.


This article, which discusses the potentially hazardous situation of fighting between a Goddess/Mistress/Owner and Her slave, brought to light many of the downfalls of a relationship where “Contemplation and Communication” are missing. As in a normal (vanilla) relationship, a D/s relationship suffers the risk of all the same downfalls, and possibly more.

As a slave, it is expected that he be understanding and compassionate of his Goddess, and the emotions She may be feeling. Understanding that She may be having a bad day, or not feeling 100%, is part of my duty. On the other side, a slave, in his continuing effort to care for the well being of his Goddess, he too may suffer the fate of a bad day at work, or even be overcome by an illness, or possibly just be stressed out from the demands his Goddess has placed upon him. These situations may lead to the slave becoming argumentive or hostile towards his Goddess. When this situation arises, it is time for contemplation and communication.

A slave should contemplate what might result from his actions and words. He must remember that what he says or does in the flare of the moment’s emotions can never be withdrawn, and most certainly, may never be forgotten. Though his Goddess may feel release and a level of satisfaction from disciplining him, this could very well be superficial, and the hurt remain on the inside.

Words and actions may give the slave a feeling that he has won, but only by jeopardizing Her trust in him and his sincerity to serve Her. In the end, Goddess will always win the fight.

After contemplating, a slave should communicate, not argue. Talking to his Goddess in the proper manner and with the deserved respect, is less likely to create lasting ill feelings and will relate the slave’s feelings to his Goddess in a way that She is more likely to accept.

If an argument does result, some alternatives might be to request some time off to clear the mood or get well, spend some time vanilla with Goddess alone and undistracted so You/you can talk and communicate or share neutral interests. Time apart could be considered also.

As a slave, he should remember that he made a commitment to serve his Goddess and be Her slave, and he needs to follow through and live up to that commitment. Fighting does not fulfill that commitment, and may destroy the wonderful feelings he has experienced from serving his Goddess.

trainee slave danny k.


Although it is difficult for a true slave to believe, there are some subs/slaves who actually put their emotional state/personal problems/what their day at work was like, before their true life goal.

Consequently, if they are feeling down or have had a bad day at the office, then it should be up to them to handle it and learn how to overcome this, without taking it out on their Goddess or troubling them with trivial matters.

However, the way all slaves behave and the way they "should" behave, unfortunately have a frequency to differ.

In a partnership where the slave somehow takes it upon himself to argue with his Woman, once the norm has been established again, the slave should pay dearly for his misdemeanor, by facing severe punishment.

This subject matter is a difficult one for this slave to discuss, as he strongly feels that a slave should "never" argue with a Woman regardless of any personal hardship he goes through, and that one who does argue, is effectively only a "play" slave - the type of slave i detest, as they give a bad name to true slaves. (i hope i haven't overstepped my boundaries, Goddess).

Disregarding the last paragraph, if a slave is feeling down and in an argumentative mood, there are some things that he must consider before he takes his former aggression out on his Woman.

As in all relationships, any argument with a Woman will always have the same results - a Woman is always right, and as a direct consequence of that, any arguments with a Woman will "always" result in the slave being on the losing end.

Even is a slave somehow wins an argument, he will lose ultimately, as he will have a disgruntled Woman, or even worse a Woman who hates him, on his hands. he may be lucky enough to win the battle, but he will never win the war!

When the slave has lost , and he has to face the punishment for his misdemeanor, it will hurt his Woman more than it will hurt the slave. The only difference is that the Woman's hurt will be on the inside. A slave should consider this hurt he could potentially be giving to his Owner, before broaching the argument.

A slave should also remember that there is no going back. Once an argument has taken place, or a slave has said something he shouldn't have in the heat of an argument, there will be no way to take back time and revert to how things were before the argument.

Also, if a slave argues, then it would put questions in a Woman's mind as to whether this slave is genuine or not. Once these doubts start popping up, it leads to a slow downhill slide for the relationship.

Goddess Lorena professes that sometimes a compassionate consideration by the Women may be necessary as She realises that some Women may incorrectly consider that beating the slave may sort out any lingering feelings of being under the weather. But as Goddess Lorena so rightfully states, a beating in this case could potentially lead to resentment by the slave (another emotion i detest seeing in a slave).

Goddess Lorena is all seeing and all-knowing to have had such intellectual thoughts and realised the position and problems that incorporate the life of a slave.

Ways to get around a situation like this, can take one of several directions:

The Woman can decide to let the slave off from his duties for the evening and let him resume the next day. he may feel better and will certainly strive to do better from them on. Also, the adoration will take a couple more steps up the ladder, as he will appreciate that the Woman is compassionate and understanding of his situation. he will also feel safer in Her company, in the future.

Snuggling up to a slave and watching a movie may help, as the slave may just need some TLC.

A slave should ask permission to take his Woman out to a quiet restaurant, if he realises he is getting cranky - ie before it gets to the point of reaching his Womans ears.

A Woman can decide to send a slave to his home, if he doesn't live in the Womans house. She should ensure that when he leaves, he is informed why he is being told to go, and not to return until he is in a better mood.

Humiliating a slave in this position, will usually lead to what is effectively an unruly, unappreciative slave getting more aggressive and hostile.

Goddess Lorena has the appreciation of the whole BDSM lifestyle and a complete understanding of Goddess/slave relationships. With this, She tries to help others in this lifestyle by suggesting that We/we all look after the relationship and do what we can to nurture and develop the relationship.

Failure in this will undeniably lead to "Pick up bars" and ProDoms for the slave, and the Lady ends up with slaves who have been rejected by all other Ladies.

In conclusion, it is better to avoid the arguments. A slave should look for the signs within himself that would lead to complacency or tantrums. he should seek to curb and control these, and the actions these lead to. Even better would be for the slave to speak to his Woman and let Her know how he is feeling and ask Her how he can improve himself. This final consideration would not only get brownie points (not that a slave should be selfish enough to seek them!) but also it would help develop the relationship, as the communication would be improving.

trainee slave sanjay of UK


This article sheds some light on conflict resolution between people that are living a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It reminds us that we all have emotions that can get in the way at times. The article also reminds us that each partner has responsibilities associated with their role. Included are some helpful hints to assist each partner with resolving the conflicts that will come up.

It’s during these conflicts that i need to remind myself that this disagreement is two sided. Even though i am only seeing things my way at the time, Her perspective has validity. In fact, it is Her perspective that will have the lasting impression. It’s true that slaves have opportunities to influence things from time to time but, what you will be remembered for is how you provided your influence. Did you raise your voice? Did you pout? Did you whisper a rude comment under your breath as you walked away? Are these the traits you want to be known for? No? me either. we are ones who chose to pursue our submissive lifestyle. So let’s pursue it.

trainee slave marcel k.


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